get myself wash up and put on a little make up. felt so much fresher.

the past week was hardcore partying for 4 days. excessive alcohol. a brand new set of roller coaster.

a big part of me knows its impractical to put in effort. maybe i dont want to. perhaps i felt its really time to let go. a rush of emotions came to me on sunday. he texted me and its no suprise because nick saw me in phuture on saturday night. i am taken aback by what i typed. i didnt even think or try to use a second to go through my reply. i merely said, 'the night you walked out on me and came home at 6am, its over.' though the intensive argument, i never wanted us to be over. there's no explanation. but this time, i dont wanna stay for a minute. my hands didnt shiver. my eyes didnt hurt. i just felt so cold. and prolly they labelled me heartless. this is the best i can do.

it was until the night draws in. i am tired. i snuggled up the couch and watched a dvd. it smacked me so hard, right across my face. this is broken. for real. so many 'what-ifs' raced in my head. i can never hear from him again. i can never run to him. i can never lie on his chest and listen to the steady heartbeat. i can never inhale those familiar scent and lingering touches. kenny came and scooped me up. i just lay there and sobbed so hard. my head begins to spin. i dont know what came over to me. for once, i am defeated or so i felt.

kenny has been an angel in my life. he is constantly there. he never asked a single bit. it was as if he knew me better than i do myself. its this inexplicable bond. i never have to pretend that i am strong. i never have to let him know that i am vulnerable. after matt's party, we took a walk to claycourt and i fell asleep on roy's couch. maybe i am tired. perhaps its the alcohol. i asked for too many 5 mins. he scooped me up and carried me back. i looked at him under the moonlight. the unfamilar scent caressed my nose. the unfamilar figure who make me feel so secured. why isnt the man i yearned so hard here? for this, i know i made the right choice by letting everything go.

i admit i felt sour over the fact that i wont be attending his big bash. the thought of having great friends around eased me. there will be no more tears. there will be no more hurt. there will be no more walking away. there will no more explanation. there will be no more lies. there will be no pain. there will be no more trying.

and kelvin, thank you for your therapy on my worst night.